In it, he describes how Dostoevsky treats his characters not as mere collections of traits, but as human beings, and seems to listen to what they actually want to do, not what they must do to advance the story. Henrik suggests that love is when we treat people this way—not letting them be defined by our stories about them.
Ugh, man 😮💨 This is the first essay I’ve read by you, and I love it. So deeply relatable in many ways. Teal Swan calls those “stories” overlays — ideas we have of a person versus the reality of that person. I think the deeper we get to know someone, the more those overlays will erode, which is not a glamorous process but a wholly necessary one for genuine connection.
It’s not just overlays we must contend with though, but also all of the outdated conditioned behaviors we’ve learned that may meet relational needs to a certain degree but also form a mask. I feel for that girl, as I have a similar pattern of being chameleon-esque. There’s a potent loneliness in people loving your mask or your role versus loving who you are.
And also, your spending eight months ruminating over a girl…can relate 😅 It’s been about that time for me as well, and I think about her every day.
Thank you for sharing this story so openly. It touched me in a deep place. 🙏🏼
This is a fantastic essay. When I first read it, it hit me like a wall of emotion, but I couldn't seem to grasp why.
It was only after I read Henrik Karlsson's "Dostoevsky as lover" that I truly understood what you are saying. https://www.henrikkarlsson.xyz/p/doestoevsky-as-lover
In it, he describes how Dostoevsky treats his characters not as mere collections of traits, but as human beings, and seems to listen to what they actually want to do, not what they must do to advance the story. Henrik suggests that love is when we treat people this way—not letting them be defined by our stories about them.
Ugh, man 😮💨 This is the first essay I’ve read by you, and I love it. So deeply relatable in many ways. Teal Swan calls those “stories” overlays — ideas we have of a person versus the reality of that person. I think the deeper we get to know someone, the more those overlays will erode, which is not a glamorous process but a wholly necessary one for genuine connection.
It’s not just overlays we must contend with though, but also all of the outdated conditioned behaviors we’ve learned that may meet relational needs to a certain degree but also form a mask. I feel for that girl, as I have a similar pattern of being chameleon-esque. There’s a potent loneliness in people loving your mask or your role versus loving who you are.
And also, your spending eight months ruminating over a girl…can relate 😅 It’s been about that time for me as well, and I think about her every day.
Thank you for sharing this story so openly. It touched me in a deep place. 🙏🏼
Wonderful essay Jamie, start to finish deeply felt and insightful